Mop-Up RAW 7.31.00

Mop-Up RAW

“Hello, my name is Christopher. And I want to know why you trashed WCW. I don't care
if your opinion is that WCW isn't very good. Did I ask for your opinion? My opinion is
that you suck.And what is that about you and being the king of the internet? lol! Why are
you king? What did you ever do that was important enough for you to be remembered let
alone proclaim "king". HUH?! I like WCW and many other people do to. And I stoped
going to 411 wrestling because people likeMop-Up RAW

If he didn’t want my opinion... then why would he ask why I trashed WCW?

Yes, we “people” ARE just wrestling fans who make websites and made cruddy articles...
DUUH.

“Those were the days when a character known as Brutus Beefcake could carry a wrestling
card all by himself. When Beefcake memorabilia was what Austin 3:16 T-shirts are
today.”

from www.edleslie.com

Excuse me?

Hi. I’m Chris and this is the Mop-Up. Everyone’s seemed happy with last week’s work,
e-mail reception was great, and the amount was right up there with what I usually did at
the Old, Old place.. so I get to do it again... and again... and again... and again... then I
take a week off, then I do it again... and again... and again... and again.

We open this week with two blatant plugs... then a bit of comedy aimed at Mark Madden,
then I tell you how huge the Closer is this week... then we start off the recap. I know I
kept meaning to discuss something else, but I forgot now, so we’ll just stick with the
game plan for now.

Plug #1: Down there at the column section is the latest “And Another Thing”. This one
is a killer. It’s a mixture of elements between my old Tully Blanchard piece and the old
Jesus article. I’m telling you, this has the makings of an all time classic. Everyone will
dig it... ESPECIALLY those who knew wrestling BEFORE the Internet allowed
Dickheads to post their worthless opinions. In other words... for this week’s column...
KAYFABE RULES!!!!!

Speaking of Kayfabe, I recently learned that two writers from the “PWI Family”, Liz
Hunter, the sexpot that every wrestler tried to pick up, and Matt Brock, the grizzled old
veteran who done it all and seen it all were actually total fabrications. I don’t know about
you... but this was a TOTAL SHOCK to me. I swear, I don’t know whether to laugh or
spend 5 pages reaming out guys like Apter and Saks for swerving me all these years.

Plug #2: You DO know that HBO is running new episodes of “Oz” right? Maybe the
best damn TV show out there? OH... the show is so cool... so F-ing awesome. The best
part is the unpredictability of the characters. You NEVER know what they will do next.
Like the guy who specialized in digging tunnels. He’s been around for two years, and he
always seemed like a rather normal guy who specialized in breaking into places from
underground. He exhibited NO sign of craziness or danger. Recently, he escaped. He
was quickly caught hanging outside the house of a Woman who did a Puppet show on TV
that the Cons watched because she had big tits and weren’t afraid to use them. Here he
was, a fugitive, who was caught NOT fleeing to Canada, but STALKING someone. That
was whacked. The thing is... ALL the characters are nice one seconds, and evil the next.
You can never get a bead on them. That’s what writing is all about. You have GOT to
check it out.

Okay, reader Brad Gilberte sent this one in...

“I know there have been some wrestling drinking games but I think I've created the best
of all of em.

Okay this drinking game has only 1 rule.

You take a drink every time WCW's Mark Madden proves he's virgin, a complete
dumbass, or both.

This includes (but is not limited to):

Saying "Snoochie Boochies"
Saying "Spinnaroni"
Wearing sunglasses.
Stealing material from any other internet reccaper
or
talking about what a great wrestler "Positively Kanyon" is.

WARNING: If you play the game using a hard liquor there is a great risk of Alcohol
poisoning. Hell, just to be safe you probably don't want play this too long with any
liquor. Especially when Mark is having one of his ‘nights’”

God Bless you people.

Umm.. oh, right.. and this week’s closer deals with HOT TEENAGE SEX... I kid you not.
No, I’m not swerving you at all. No, no pictures... just go to the bottom of the Nitro pile
and you’ll see. If anything else, this closer will answer the question that we ALL asked at one point... “Exactly what DOES sperm taste like?”

So, back at the Old place, (the second, not the first), I ran a closer where Comic book icon
Stan Lee showed up. I’m wondering, did enough of you catch it the first time around? If
I run it again next week, will enough people see it for the first time? E-mail me on this
and let me know.

Hey Fat Asses! Did you hear that the Blue Meanie dropped something like 150 pounds
and is now doing PORN STAR Jasmine St. Claire? For real!! She said at Metal Sludge
that he “is great at anal”. If THAT isn’t enough to get that disgusting belly of yours
bouncing up and down on a road, treadmill, or in SOME form of aerobic activity.. I don’t
know what will.

Oh, and the sad thing is.. Blue Meanie now looks like a Fat Guy trapped in a skinny guys
body... but that could only be because I’m used to it.

Oh, and I think I have devised an all new way to embarrass web guys. Hang on a few
weeks for that.

Lastly, did I mention that the closer featured HOT TEENAGE SEX? I ain’t lying.

Well, I tried to stick with the Game Plan, but went into a few tangents. Oh well, it’s still
reasonably short. Or a least short by MY standards. Anyway... it’s time we venture off...
already, I just started this thing and it’s become a race against time. I keep procrastinating
and flailing about.. afraid to do a recap because what if the Magic has left? It seemed to
have left last week... is it back? Or is it gone forever. Oh God... my career is over...
JUST when I was getting going again.

Onward, I carry:

RAW IS WAR: (or: Hey, HEY... watch the nose, Buster!)

-Opens with a picture of Gordon Solie. Jim Ross voices over the “official WWF
Statement”... Yeah, Solie was good, but he weren’t no Boston Celtic Radio Legend
JOHNNY MOST!!!

-The FUNNIEST thing Most did was whenever someone the Celtics were playing argued
a call, he’d goof on them. Particularly when it was against the dreaded Detroit Pistons ...

-Bill Lambier argues a Foul... Most will say, “I’M BILL LAMBIER!! I PLAY FOR THE WORLD CHAMPION DETROIT PISTONS!! AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO DO THAT!!!!

-He was so old, and his voice was so gravelly. He was cool.

-What ever happened to Bill Lambier anyway (Lambeer? Lambeir?)? He didn’t take crap from anyone. He was also the only guy to drive Larry Bird into fisticuffs right there on the paint. You’ve GOT to respect that.

-So, Gordon Solie is dead? I’m going to see about getting that Mechanical Voice Box he had and sell it here in the Mop-Up as memorabilia. Dig him up and rip it out of his throat if I must. He ain’t using it anymore.

-I heard JR tried to finagle Solie a spot on RAW covering a few segments. That would have been something to see. I would have given him 20 minutes before he turned to Lawler and lectured him about how this sport’s legacy should NOT be honored by a grown man currently on his second facelift ranting on about the female breast. Lawler would have called him a “bitter old man”... Solie would have thrown down his head set, told Jim Ross that he was disgusted in him and to take off that damn cowboy hat that made him look like a goober. The killer would have been if he then announced, “I always thought Schiavone was your superior anyway!” Then he would have stormed off. Ross would have been so heartbroken... it would have ruled.

-CAN’T LAWLER PULL A FEW STRINGS AND GET LANCE RUSSELL TO CALL A GUEST SEGMENT OR TWO??? IMAGINE THOSE TWO GOING AT IT!!

-WWF: One World. Without them, you get Curt Hennig vs Dennis Rodman. THAT is your only alternative.

-Last week, things happened that is leading to the break up of the Helmsley/McMahon Marriage.

-You know, I LOVE it when women tie their hair back severely. Makes it easier to make out with them without swallowing hair every goddam minute... plus they don’t bitch about needing to wash it after you aim for their face.

-A still shot, black and white, of Hunter in a precarious position with a Female. Finally, something that DOESN’T go to a field and chew cud after the shoot, for a change. No WONDER he has that shocked expression on his face,

-Last week, Hunter left the building.

-This week, Hunter arrives at the building.

-Opening theme. It took me three times as long to type this because I kept typing the word, “Opwn”.

-Fans and fireworks welcome us to Atlanta, Georgia... in the Georgia Dome... where WCW once RULED!!!!!! Where Eric Bischoff once announced, “I’D SOONER LET MY GRAY HAIR GROW OUT THAN ALLOW THAT HAS BEEN MCMAHON TO BRING THAT PATHETIC COMPANY OF HIS TO MY TURF!!! IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!

-Where Bob Ryder once said, “I personally spoke to the Governor of Atlanta and he PROMISED me that McMahon’s Morally Offensive Pornographic Bile will NEVER be allowed into his town.”

-Where the OWNER of the Georgia Dome once said, “Hey, Yankee dollars go into the Bank just as easy as Southern dollars.”

-God Bless the Deep South.

-Jim Ross went on the loud speaker and promised the hicks that the Rock IS there... and he will come out later to take back all the apologies he made to “Jew York”... Atlanta popped. Man, gotta love working the Marks for Cheap Heat.

-25’135 people in the building. I wonder if we’ll see a “LOCO STUFF” sign? (maybe two people will get that)

-25G +... all white. IN ATLANTA??????? Is the Freaknic going down? Or did they Bus all these people in from Canada?

-Oh wait.. I see Black people... they are WAAAY in the back of the building... Damn this City. Damn it all to Hell

- “I See Black People”... HAW!!! Someone get NoSoul to re-open the site... I have a GREAT parody lined up. With the surprise twist being that BRUCE WILLIS IS ONE OF THE BLACK PEOPLE!!! MY GOD!!! No WONDER he was so depressed.

-Well, he WAS... look at the movie... he did nothing but mope around.

-Road Dogg and X-Pac came out. Doggy has a bandanna wrapped around his head Tupac style. I wonder if he’ll get on the mic and rap about banging Biggie’s wife while he was in the “clickety clank”?

-*sniff sniff*... yup, that joke expired about 3 years ago.

-someone... I’m pretty sure it was Scherer... commented on being thankful that WCW didn’t try sending some of their talent to the show to disrupt things ala XPW. Well jeeze... of COURSE they didn’t try that. Odds are whomever they sent might have gone on air and begged Vince for a contract.

-Last week, Steve Blackman kicked DX’s ASS. Well, kicked Road Dogg’s ass. X-Pac don’t job out. He ALWAYS wins. It’s in his contract. X-Pac’s ego is SINGLE HANDILY RUINING THIS COMPANY!!!!!

-Earlier today, we see that Steve Blackman certainly did NOT want to be teamed up with Al Snow again. Al, meanwhile, was busy crooning to the tune of “Reunited” by the Carpenters. Al then shoved his finger down his throat and puked up his lunch... looked like a Turkey Club on Rye. Now THAT’S dedication to the spirit of Karaoke. (Maybe you kids are too young for that? But the 25+ crowd might have enjoyed the reference)

-I DON’T CARE HOW “KARAOKE” IS SPELLED!! IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN INVENTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!

-I mean, did someone ACTUALLY think coming up with a way for dumb ass broads to sing “Crazy” off key to a room filled of drunks was a GOOD idea?

-Blackman and Snow came out. Actually, they came out from behind and attacked DX. FOCUS ON DOGGY!!! HE HASN’T HAD A WIN IN MONTHS!!!!

-I hear those stupid ass ICP Clowns got their start rapping “Bust a Move” on Karaoke

-Snow and Blackman (a White guy named Blackman in Atlanta? Oo, that must have offended SOMEONE) went for the fast pin... double kick out.

-Snow & Blackman cleaned a little house. Then X-Pac produced powder and SNORTED IT!!! MY GOD!! IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, NO LESS!!!

-No, he threw it. Someone killed Mr. Fuji just so he could roll over in his grave.

-The Pac cleaned up. Snow took a beating. Blackman ran away like a bitch. (Heh... usually, it’s Whiteman who turns and runs away)

-Snow fought Doggy outside... X-Pac fought Blackman in.

-Things progressed. Snow took a pair on “nunchakus” and bonked X-Pac on the head with them.

-Then Snow took a Bowling Ball and rolled it into Dogg’s crotch. I laughed. Ross went the predictable route and remarked, “SNOW PICKING UP THE 7-10 SPLIT!!” (I’m sure after that lame comment, any hopes of the Ghost of Solie being in attendance were dashed. Gordon has left the building.)

-Road Dogg sold the crap out of the move, lying on the mat and groaning, “Oh papa, ohhhh”

-X-Pac used a chair, then produced a Kendo Stick. He twirled it around and swung at Blackman. Blackman ducked it and dove for his bag. He produced those Chopsticks of his. They faced off.

-X-Pac got cocky and the stick bounced up and WAAAY over the top rope, almost into the seats. The crowd went into hysterics. So did I. Now THAT’S a shoot.

-X-Pac held his hand out to Blackman and started FURIOUSLY motioning for someone to get the stick back so they could finish the bit. Blackman just stood there, it... it’s like an actor walking out on stage and completely blanking out on his lines.

-Stunned, Blackman began swinging his sticks.

-Ross and Lawler discussed the weather.

-X-Pac grabbed a mic and said, “This kind of bullshit is why this company is going down the toilet, McMahon”... then stormed off. (My Christ!!! TAPE THIS!!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE KAYFABE SHATTERED LIKE THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!)

-Pac got the stick back and stormed back in. The challenge was on.

-Blackman proved to be the most skilled. Road Dogg broke up the subsequent pin attempt.

-Snow was back in and hit Blackman over the head with a trash can lid. X-Pac followed with an “X-Factor” on a chair. DX wins. X-Pac was VISIBLY upset as he walked up the ramp. Who wouldn’t be? That was embarrassing.

-backstage, Stephanie McMahon arrives in a NICE little red dress. It USED to be white, but her period came a day early and she as caught by surprise... the bitch can GUSH.

-commercials: “Bless This Child” is a tale about Good vs Evil fighting for the Special powers of a Child. No, it’s not the story of Elian Gonzales.

-HH & the Letter between “G” and “I” came out with a fist full of Roses comes to the ring with a microphone. F-The Luchadors... Atlanta has been waiting MONTHS for a good, solid, 20 minute promo that feels like an hour!!!

-HHH got on the stick and chastises the crowd for “kicking a guy when he’s down”...yeah... you Southern LOSERS!!! THAT Guy is from the NORTH!! Remember the North? The upper half of the Country that BITCHSLAPPED YOUR ASS WHEN YOU TRIED TO SECEDE FROM US?????? YOU SHOW US YANKEES SOME RESPECT, REDNECKS, OR WE JUST MIGHT POUND A LITTLE RESPECT INTO YOU AGAIN, THAN BUTTHUMP YOUR MOMMAS WHILE YOU WATCH!!!!!!

-HHH said that he was a Man who NEVER made mistakes... or very rarely at least (*COUGHfarewelltothecliqueHACK*)

-But when he DOES make mistakes, he admits it. For instance, he was out there tonight to admit to making a “very big mistake” (uh oh... he’s about to admit to being the guy who smeared Bacon Grease all over the rafters in St Louis... IT WAS A PRACTICAL JOKE, DAMMIT!!! HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW?)

-it was either that or another Patterson joke

-He wanted to speak to Stephanie directly, stating that he KNOWS how bad it looked seeing him behind a bent over Trish Stratus, but assuring her that it was “completely innocent”

-In one of those silly “rhetorical” comments, Scherer asked, “What was so wrong about it when they were fully dressed?” Obviously, poor Dave has NEVER been dryhumped in his life... one of life’s few true pleasures. Can’t say I’m shocked.

-HHH assured his Wife that there has NEVER been anything between him and Trish... and there never WILL be... err, I SWEAR I saw SOMETHING between them in that scene.

-Stephanie is HHH’s “true love”... and she had every right to explode last week... but she should have allowed him to explain himself... she didn’t... he got angry... things were said that shouldn’t have been said... (Man... didn’t Ike Turner teach us ANYTHING?? What IS this P-Whipped crap?)

-Stephanie came out, looking... cynical I guess.

-HHH held open the ropes for her. Oh God.

-Steph stood in the ring and took the mic. She told HHH that he had “no idea how much you hurt me”. (Backstage, Ike Turner screamed, “WELL YOU AIN’T SEEN SHIT YET, TINA!!” Then took off his shoe and began running toward the curtain. X-Pac stopped him by throwing some of that “powder” he used in the last segment into Ike’s face. Ike began dreamily walking around and muttering, “Damn fine... damn sweet... damn smooooth”)

-Stephanie asked HHH how HE would feel if SHE was “bent over.. in front of some guy.. in front of Kurt Angle?” The crowd popped... as did millions of Cherry ass marks at home, I’m sure.

-as did I... dammit

-“How would that make YOU feel?” (well, gee.. double teaming the Boss’s Daughter? can you even DREAM of a bigger turn on?)

-Steph can’t get the image of him and Trish out of her mind... and it makes her SICK... to her STOMACH (ahh crap... that’s something NO guy wants to hear)

-Steph kept going... Hunter’s been so obsessed with Chris Jericho lately, he has all but ignored her. He hasn’t paid her ANY attention!” (Umm, wasn’t it just last week where she boasted about HHH pleasing her “multiple times” or something? HELLOOO... CONTINUITY???)

-Must be to please the Atlanta crowd. They are USED to Wrestling companies changing History every other week.

-HHH got back on the stick and was all, “No no baby!! It was the booze... I F-ed her, but I make LOVE to you” (This is “RAW” after all.)

-HHH continued his reparations... saying he defended her name after Jericho called her “The worse possible things on Earth!” Funny, I don’t recall Jericho ONCE calling Stephanie a “Delphi Poster”.

-The Sweet Talk continued. Eventually, Stephanie melted like Trailer Park Queen on Welfare Day.

-He presented her with the roses... her cheeks went redder... he told her he loved her. She REALLY melted... Jeeze...

-They made out a little. I saw no tongue. Believe me, I was SCOURING.

-I don’t care WHAT you think... I am CONVINCED that these kids are doing each other.

-Mick Foley came out with his head down. He raised it and we see fake tears running down Mick’s cheeks and into his beard... where it hung like... err... rather shiny, milky globs of ... oh no... what is going ON back there?

-Not Mick... oh please dear God not Mick. It’s bad enough we lost both Kevin Spacey AND Kevin Sorbo already.

-Feigning tears, Mick said that he SHOULD be embarrassed to lose it in front of 25’000 and millions watching at home... but he can’t help but to cry.

-Foley continued, “Because... what I just saw in that ring... is the biggest load of HORSECRAP I’VE EVER SEEN!!” (Umm.. his last match at Wrestlemania STILL tops that... I hate to tell ya’)

-Mick said that there was a place and time in the World for EVERYTHING... excerpt for THAT... “because THAT was hideous”. (no... a man walking around with what looks like SEMEN on his face is hideous. I DEMAND TO KNOW JUST WHAT DEBAUCHERY IS GOING ON IN THE BACKSTAGE????)

-Mick reminded the lovebirds about what happened last week, and even showed a tape. He did play by play and said, “OH MY GOODNESS!! CAUGHT WITH HIS HAND IN THE COOKIE JAR!!” (HA!!!)

-Stephanie got upset again. Hunter seethed. Mick said that even though this not HIS business, but THEIR business... The problem is, THEIR business interfered in HIS business, HIS business being WWF business. (this is a DUMB ASS business)

-Mick’s beef is that Triple H walked away from a scheduled Smackdown match with Trish Stratus against Chris Jericho and Lita. How DARE he mess with the almighty Book.

-So, Mick fined HHH 5 grand. Hunter was outraged... Stephanie was like “feh... Daddy has 5 grand in change scattered inside his sofa” (OH.. the bitch)

-Mick acknowledged that the 5 Large isn’t much, but it’ll serve as a warning. Next time he tries this, he’ll be FIRED from the WWF. (oh NO!! He might go a full 10 seconds before WCW comes calling)

-Also, Mick said that HHH will get a chance to redeem himself tonight by participating in a first time ever “Husband/Wife tag team match” (Didn’t Lita and Essa Rios have one of those already?)

-Their opponents were Lita and the Rock... because Y2J was not there.

-HHH vs the ROCK????? MY GOD!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!

-Mick left... the Married kids fumed.

-Earlier today AND outside, two “Ho’s” protested to the crowd about how Steven Richards was WRONG and sluts had every RIGHT to work the House (Big Money in them there Marks). They had catchy signs that read, “SAVE THE HO’S”... they got the crowd to chant “SAVE THE HO’S... SAVE THE HO’S”... INCLUDING a some young boys who couldn’t have broken the decade mark yet.

-That’s right.. young boys chanting, “SAVE THE HO’S”... chew on that a second, Smiley.

-Their parents were ENCOURAGING THIS.

-unreal... disgusting... shoot the parents... NOW

-Elton John can never become a Boy Scout Leader... but THIS is okay?

-Summerslam spot where Chyna clotheslines this really fat guy on a beach... wow... which Wrestleline writer got THAT gig? (obviously, it ain’t Zimmerman... unless those aren’t pictures of him)

-commercials

-Footage of what just happened.

-Edge and Christian came out. Ooo, I wonder how they plan on “zinging” the Atlanta crowd? Perhaps with a nice little WCW shot? Or perhaps a shot at Ted Turner? Coca Cola? Gone With The Wind? Richard Jewel? REM? Evander Holyfield? So long as they don’t go the obvious Russo route and goof on the Braves and the Yankees. ONE WOULD HOPE THAT THE WWF HOLDS ITSELF UP TO A SLIGHTLY HIGHER STANDARD!!!!

-Christian was wearing some rather large sunglasses... Ross sniped that they were from the “Charles Nelson Reilly Collection” (the BEST part of “Cannonball Run II... by the way... well, unless you count the two minutes Sinatra was on the screen)

-Christian said that they COULD stand there and make tasteless jokes about John Rocker.. (SEE??? F-RUSSO!!!)

-Because, THIS was the home of the Atlanta Braves!!! (they still piss on the Pride of Native Americans by doing that “Chop” thing? You BACKWARDS ASS COUNTRY BIGOTS!!!!!)

-Christian said that they were “winners of countless National League Championship... and quite possibly the best damn team of the past 10 years!” (huh? What about the Marlins?)

-Besides all that, the Braves are known for something else...

-Edge took off his coat. He was wearing a Yankees jersey (oh... DAMMIT!!!!!! I have half a mind to edit all the above stuff out to make myself look good. Ahh screw it. I am NOT infallible!! Prick me, do I not bleed? Wound me, do I not cry? Tickle me, do I not laugh?)

-Edge said that Atlanta was known for being “The New York Yankees personal bitches!!” (well... it’s TRUE!!!! )

-John Rocker and Chipper Jones... based on names alone, which would YOU pick as the Country Fried Bigot? you were never satisfied. What are you
people exactly? Wrestling fans who made a website and made cruddy articles about
them? Just wondering.”
Christopher Garza christopher_garza@hotmail.com

If he didn’t want my opinion... then why would he ask why I trashed WCW?

Yes, we “people” ARE just wrestling fans who make websites and made cruddy articles...
DUUH.

“Those were the days when a character known as Brutus Beefcake could carry a wrestling
card all by himself. When Beefcake memorabilia was what Austin 3:16 T-shirts are
today.”

from www.edleslie.com

Excuse me?

Okay, reader Brad Gilberte sent this one in...

“I know there have been some wrestling drinking games but I think I've created the best
of all of em.

Okay this drinking game has only 1 rule.

You take a drink every time WCW's Mark Madden proves he's virgin, a complete
dumbass, or both.

This includes (but is not limited to):

Saying "Snoochie Boochies"
Saying "Spinnaroni"
Wearing sunglasses.
Stealing material from any other internet reccaper
or
talking about what a great wrestler "Positively Kanyon" is.

God Bless you people.

Oh, and the sad thing is.. Blue Meanie now looks like a Fat Guy trapped in a skinny guys
body... but that could only be because I’m used to it.

Oh, and I think I have devised an all new way to embarrass web guys. Hang on a few
weeks for that.

Lastly, did I mention that the closer featured HOT TEENAGE SEX? I ain’t lying.

Mop-Up RAW 7.31.00

By Hyatte

-The pose featured Christian wrapping his arms around Edge’s ankles. Christian was wearing a Braves Jersey. Alas, come October.. BOTH teams will fall to the fiery cannon-like arm of Pedro Martinez and the thunderous bat of Nomar Garciaparra. THE YEAR 2000 KICKS OFF THE GREATNESS RETURNED TO BEANTOWN!!! THE YEAR THE RED SOX FINALLY REDEEMED THEMSELVES!!!! EVEN SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SAYS SO!!!

-The Hardy Boyz came out with Lita. This was for the tag team belts.

-Matt and Jeff used lightening speed to take control. Matt caught edge with a flying Legdrop.

-years from now, in the Annals of History... people will look at this sport and ask, “Why in the HELL would anyone backdrop Matt Hardy on the outside into the ropes knowing FULL well that he will simply bounce off the ropes and reverse course into a DDT?

-years from now, in the Annals of History... people will look at these columns of mine and ask, “How can a guy go 5 years of writing a column and not once show any improvement with his grammar or syntax?”

-This was all Hardyz... Lita hit Christian with a flying Hurracarana from the outside.

-Jeff with his Senton Bomb on Edge. Christian yanked Jeff out and nailed the referee.

-E & C took out chairs. The Ref Dqed them. They took the chairs and whacked Jeff on both sides of the head at once. Ross wished a pox on the children’s children’s children. Ross should get out more.

-Backstage, Shane Mac was pumping up his stable by telling them that they have to “up the intensity” Angle reminded him that “Intensity” was one of his three “I”s. Shane patronized him. Foley showed up and told them that all three workers had matches tonight. I see job outs galore... well, Benoit is used to jobbing out in the Georgia Dome.

-commercials

-More backstage protesting with the Ho’s. One of them was yelling, “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE WAY WE DRESS!!” (well, until you hit 30... that is... then Gravity takes over... ooph)

-There may be nothing wrong with the way Ho’s dress, but there is DAMN sure something wrong with that idiot in the crowd wearing the Yellow shirt with the Zig Zag Black line around it’s lower part. THIS AIN’T PEANUTS AND YOU AIN’T CHARLIE BROWN, BITCH!!!!

-Backstage, HHH turned on the charm and consoled Stuffy, Trish Stratus knocked on the door and told Steph that there was NOTHING going on between them. Stephanie was all demure and friendly. Then Trish left and Steph seethed about that “plastic, conniving, backstabbing b(bleeep)ch” (Why are they editing “Bitch” all of the sudden?) She accused HHH of exchanging leering looks with her.

-momentos ago-o...The Hardyz were cleaning up... then came the chair

-Jeff was being looked over by a Medic. Patterson was seen putting on a rubber glove and saying, “Get ready to cough, Mister Man!!”

-And so ends my obligatory Patterson joke of the evening. GOODNIGHT AMERICA!!!!

-The “Coach” (that ain’t Craig T??) asked E & C just WHAT they were thinking, messing with their former friends like that? Edge said it was “totally chairalicious” (ugh... kill that bit...NOW)

-Matt Hardy ran into the fray and attacked. Next thing we know, more hair was flying since the last time Vince Neil, Sebastian Bach, Duff from G’N’R, and Bret Michaels were invited to the MTV Video Awards and fought over who got Martha Quinn and who got stuck with that hag Nina Blackwood.

-commercials

-Jeeze, there’s something just not right about seeing Kevin Nash laid out like a punk... oops, got caught flipping... I’ll resume this train of thought in the Nitro column.

-We see how Benoit slammed a garage door on Jericho’s midsection. THIS is why he’s not there tonight. Actually, he’s really busy on his Honeymoon. I don’t get it. The guy is blonde, good looking, and is about to become HUGE. WHY GET MARRIED NOW????

-Kurt Angle came out. Ross wished Jericho well on his healing process. Oh, he’ll be healing all right... he’ll be healing his many cases of Blue Balls that are sure to be on his way turning down all the poon that’ll be coming.

-Last week, the Undertaker was AMBUSHED by Angle and the Big Show.

-Chris Benoit came out. One would assume the Atlanta crowd would have EXPLODED for the returning Benoit. I was expecting a Rock-like reaction. I got bubkis.

-Meanwhile, Ross acknowledged the passing of Gordon Solie, reminiscing about the time Gordon swam up to him in a swimming pool and tried to yank down his trunks. How many times is he going to recycle that story? Jesus, how many times will *I*?

-Well, they booed... which is what they were SUPPOSED to do...

-The Dudleys came out. I’m starting to wonder if maybe they are the most “over” tag team alive?

-They jawed off, then started to punch. It got going...

-Ross reminded us that Angle was making his RETURN to Atlanta after winning the Gold medal at the ‘96 Olympics in the “Heavyweight Freestyle Wrestling” category... Funny, I thought that DuPont nutcase killed all those wrestlers?

-AND WHERE WAS ANGLE WHEN THOSE BOMBS WENT OFF??????? DID ANYONE THINK TO QUESTION HIM?????

-so far... two insensitive references to something that happened 4 years ago... way to go, Champ.

-It wasn’t long before the Dudleys got that Flying Headbutt out of the way. On Angle, in case you were wondering.

-Benoit was in and settled things for his side. Ross said that “a lot of people were speculating on when Chris Benoit will be the next WWF Champ.” (okay...)

-THEN he said that a LOT of people were speculating on when Kurt Angle will be the next WWF champion. (WHO??? BRING THEM TO ME!! I WANT TO SMACK THEM UPSIDE THEIR HEADS!!!)

-Benoit with the Crossface on D-Von. Buh Buh broke it up.

-Buh Buh was tagged, as was Angle.

-Buh Buh DDTed Angle, then gave Benoit a Full Nelson Slam.

-On The Shoulders-Top Rope Clothesline on Angle. Ross called it the “Dudley Device”. How long before Buh Buh comes out and calls Droz the “pusher man”?

-Buh Buh tried the pin... Shane handed out a Flying Elbow. Buh Buh was able to kick out before Ross could scream that this was “HIGHWAY ROBBERY!!”

-Benoit with his “Belly to Belly DragonFly Nazi” Suplexes... (It just doesn’t MATTER, people)

-Benoit takes a 3D... the Ref was down, unfortunately.

-Buh Buh ordered D-Von to “fetch the tables”... not the BEST city to order a Brother around in.

-The Big Show ran out and re-set things. Shane placed Benoit on Buh Buh. Lawler had the NERVE to ask if this trick would REALLY work? (Is he HIGH?)

-Angle and Benoit won. Benoit comes home and actually WINS?? Who says the WWF doesn’t have a heart?

-In fact, they DO have a heart... I wrote about that very subject in a recent “And Another Thing” which YOU can find at www.realwrestlingshow.com . F-You... I’m allowed to shill out my own stuff.

-Backstage, Stephanie asked HHH to show her some “stuff”, in case she got caught in the ring with that Mexican Chica... HHH agreed and explained to her that Lita liked to go for the spear... when she did that, Stephanie could simply lift one of her rickety old knees and DRIVE THAT LOCO SENORITA’S NOSE RIGHT UP INTO HER BRAIN!!! IT’S MONDAY NIGHT AND EVERYONE’S SHOOTING!!!!

-Failing that, HHH showed her the mechanics to a Front Facelock. They both did the move to each other... and both did a little “ouch, even in practice, that stung” selling.

-Then Steph wanted HHH to do the same thing he did to Trish last week. At first, Hunter was apprehensive. But eventually... he had Stephanie bent over and was behind her.

-The crowd approved... millions of kids at home approved too.

-15 years or so ago, on Hulk Hogan and Hillbilly Jim ran the EXACT SAME BIT (minus the sexual innuendo... or maybe not... who knows? Vince is a SICKO) It would NOT SHOCK ME if SOMEONE had this in mind when they scripted this sketch.

-If you remember that Hogan/Hillbilly Jim bit... you are ALL sorts of cool... either that, or you are a total loser.

-HHH remarked that Steph was a bit taller than... mumble mumble... Steph stood up and bitched about how that sounds like Hunter didn’t LIKE her body and such. HHH told her she had “great legs”... (ooph... translation: He’s seen Portugese Women with smaller asses)

-As Hunter had Stephanie bent over (and I KNOW I saw a little grinding)... he called her “Trish”... WHOOPS!!!

-Gotta hand it to the crowd... the reacted to EVERYTHING.

-Steph stormed out. HHH had little else to say other than “Steph, come onnn, Steeeph!” Man o man... last time I slipped like that my father threw out the KY and announced that we were “riding bareback tonight”.

-commercials

-The Ho’s got into the building and were bringing their signs to the ringside.

-Footage of what just happened.

-Outside...Stephanie was throwing her stuff in a Limo as HHH pleaded with her to chill. Stephanie told him to screw and took off.

-Steven Richards came out with Bull Buchanon and the Goodfather. Ross quipped that Richards doesn’t understand that “we are smart enough to select are OWN programming”... then quickly added that the weekly snoozefest known as Nitro had ended already... in case someone decided to tale his words literally.

-The Goodfather (and he’s got 15 kids littered all over the Country to prove it) got on the stick and said that if we just gave Brother Steven a CHANCE to speak... we’ll see that he is trying to HELP us better ourselves and become the best possible humans we can be.

-Be warned, the next set of “jokes” are beyond stupid.

-Richards got on the stick and said that we all have “the right to bear arms!” (and thank GOD... how else can we tie our shoes?)

-We have the right to Free Speech... (Who is this “Speech” and what crime was he wrongfully found guilty of committing? HASN’T HE SERVED ENOUGH TIME???)

-FREE SPEECH, YOU DUMB SONAFABITCH!!!!

-We have the right to Religious freedom. (HAIL SATAN!!! HAIL SATAN!! IT’SD BETTER TO RULE IN HELL THAN TO SERVE IN HEAVEN!! HAIL THAT SATAN MOTHERFU***A)

-Stevie reminded us that our country fought hard for those rights! (Yes, and the South fought hard to keep Slavery intact... let us not forget.)

-The point is... we fought hard to protect those rights.. just as Richards and Co. are fighting for THEIR Right... the Right to Censorship! (By God... he’s right!! Hang on, I have to run and buy a case of Coke, Dr. Pepper, and switch to AT&T;!!)

-The Ho’s hopped over the railing. Richards announced that this was a perfect example of their cause... they have the right to Censor these girls!! He ordered security to escort them out of the building, then arrest them. Since when are Arena Security able to make legal arrests?

-Then a Fan ran into the ring... the cameras stayed with the Ho’s being taken away... yet you couldn’t help but notice a couple of WWF staffers react, as well as a flustered Jim Ross.

-Back in the ring, the Fan’s personal siege was quickly put down. Richards continued his rhetoric... their quest will continue to be to Clean Up the WWF of all it’s “scantily clad women, gratuitous violence, vulgarity, and any other sort of lewd behavior.” (Where were these guys when Foley was out with love goo on his face?)

-Of course, if ANYONE had a problem with this... they can come out and...

-The Acolytes came out. Bradshaw came out and called these guys “self serving, self righteous, hypocrites”... then reminded Stevie of a few more rights that he didn’t cover...

-The Right to Drink Lots of Beer. (and smoke a little weed... come onnnn... a little dope never hurt anyone. No, I don’t mean Emanuel Lewis... I mean the OTHER little dope... no, not Gary Coleman either)

-The Right to Consort with Wild, Half Nekkid Women ... (apparently, some of us are DENIED that Right and are ridiculed by these women... rat scum COOZEBAGS)

-Finally, we have the Right to Kick “Your Censoring ASS!!” (umm.. assault and battery?)

-The Acolytes charged... apparently, even in Atlanta, Farooq can’t say a word. How ironic, with all this talk of freedom and such.

-It’s the typical Acolyte brawl. Cut short by Farooq missing the Flying Clothesline on Bull.

-Shortly after (really, it was so fast), Bull jumped off the top rope, but was caught by a Faarooq powerslam... Faarooq scored the pinfall. Thank God... I could feel a riot brewing from this blatant discrimination.

-ugh... I can feel a riot brewing in my backside... I ate WAAAY too much Chili and Doritos

-Afterwards, the Censorship crew pounded on the Acolytes. The last time Atlanta played host to such a SHOCKING moment was when Flair slapped Hawk across the face as Tully and Arn held him.

-WAAAAAY backstage... all the way to Philadelphia, in fact. Michael Cole announced that Linda McMahon was shaking hands with various Republican Big Wigs and was promising them the favored, rasslin’ fan vote. Later, Cole will personally show us how to register to Vote. (and be eligible for JURY DUTY???? UH UH... NO WAY!!)

-commercials

-Spot that tells us that 14 million WWF fans are just WAITING for the WWF signal to vote for whoever will get in bed with King Vince.

-umm... excuse me... but 14 million? Kind of pushing it, ain’t cha?

-and... aren’t MANY of those Millions UNDER 18???? Hellooooo?

-Rikishi came out... Ross continued his mission to change the guy’s name to “Raakishi”.

-Tazz came out. His lower lip was firmly stuck out. (look out kids, he’s pissed!)

-Rikishi attacked right away and bounced Tazz off the steps.

-back in the ring, Rikishi went for an early Stink Face. Tazz crotched his way out of it.

-A few minutes later, Rikishi tried it again. This time, he scored.

-Tazz got up and tore off the top turnbuckle. He bounced Rikishi’s head off it and followed up with one of his Tazzplexes.

-Rikishi kicked out of the pin. Tazz jumped on his back and applied the “Tazzmission”

-Rikishi muscled his way into a Sumo Drop and scored the pin. Tazz held his right arm. It looked legitimately hurt.

-I’ll be the first one to come up with the guts to say this... THE WWF IS BOMBING OUT WITH TAZZ!!! THEY CANNOT PROMOTE HIM!!! THIS IS A TRAINWRECK!!! HE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO WCW!!!!

-pffffffth... what? You gonna bitch at me? CAN’T THE WWF MAKE ANY MISTAKES??? ARE YOU SUCH THE MCMAHON WHORE THAT YOU CANNOT FATHOM HIM MAKING ANY MISTAKES??????

-Too Cool ran out and they all Wang Chunged.

-HHH found Mick Foley and tried to smooth talk him into dropping the match tonight. Mick decided to make him work tonight anyway... and give him Trish Stratus as his partner. So far, nobody has addressed how Test feels about this. How many MORE chicks is he going to lose to HHH?

-commercials

-Michael Cole told us that they don’t care WHO we vote for.. so long as we register. In fact, there will be registration Booths at ALL WWF shows AND at WWF New York. Remember, they don’t CARE how you vote, so long as you register. Then Cole accused Al Gore of raping young boys

-Well, thus far... two web guys weighed in with THEIR political views... CRZ is sticking with his Libertarian Party (oy) while Scaia bragged to “throw his vote away” on some loser with no chance... (which, quite frankly, is the same thing as going Libertarian).

-I have a simpler plan... instead of wasting a vote... save it. DO NOT VOTE!!! DO NOT VOTE!!! DO NOT VOTE!!!!!!

-Voting... no matter for WHOM... tells the Government that you BELIEVE in the system. NOT VOTING... tells the Government that you are so turned off by the Political “Whoever has the most money, the Fancier Platform, and the Bigger Celebrity Endorsements” Process that you would rather NOT WASTE THE ENERGY!!!

-In even easier terms... Nitro’s ratings sink... they revamp the format. Same principle.

-I was all set to vote last time... then Hilary Clinton had Kevin Costner sit next to her and the Democratic Convention... Costner took EVERY OPPORTUNITY HE HAD to look like a smug douchebag who was so F-ing important because he had a few hit movies. Clinton felt THIS was what they needed to get the Mid-West Vote... F-THEM!!!!! F-THEM!! F-THIS STUPID ELECTION RACE!!!!!!!!!

-so sit at home on Election Day. Both Gore and Bush are phonies anyway. Sit your ass at home... Dumbo. You’re vote don’t mean SHIT!!!

-KEVIN COSTNER MADE “THE POSTMAN”!!! HE CAN BLOW ME!!!

-Eddie Guerrero and Chyna came out. Lawler asked if they were Republicans... and if so, did that mean he’d have to take the Cat to Canada whenever his Condom ripped and they had a “small accident”? Ross promised him AND us that they will be at the Democratic Convention too. I start making mental notes to stock up on Kennedy material for next week.

-We see how Terri Runnels was doing her part to tick off Chyna as of late.

-Terri and Saturn came out. Val Venis followed. It’s a semi-mixed tag.

-Let’s see, Chyna could pass as a man, Venis was once a Porn star, Eddie is Mexican, and Saturn has been rumored to be “Bi” at the very least... All the bases are covered in this match.

-RUMORED... no confirmation. he could be happily married with 6 kids.

-Eddie went at it with Saturn... ate a little double team punishment... and tagged in Chyna.

-Chyna did pretty gosh darn good against Saturn. Venis was tagged in and things changed.

-Chyna took a “Double Backbreaker”. Terri arched her back in sympathy. It was just to show off those boobs.

-Meanwhile, from what I gathered, WCW is busy hammering out a gimmick for Dustin with their legal department in order to see how close they can get to ripping off the Goldust gimmick without getting sued.

-Eddie as tagged back in. He tried a Bridge Suplex/Pin on Saturn. Venis broke it up.

-Chyna fought Val outside. Eddie hit Saturn with a Hurracarana. Eddie scored the pin. Ross asked, “What ELSE could happen here?”

-commercials

-Ross applauds the company for selling out the Georgia Dome... or at least stuffing lots of people in there.

-The Announcers remind us that it’s not WHO we vote for... it’s THAT we vote. (NONSENSE!!! UTTER TRIPE!!!!)

-Back to Philly. Linda McMahon told Michael Cole that she went to LOTS of Republican Meetings and spoke of “The American Dream”... (How the HELL did Dusty Rhodes get mixed up in all this?)

-I will SKIP the obvious line about Linda and the Genetic Jackhammer... quite confident in assuming that almost every recapper out there already made a snide mention of it... more than likely thinking to themselves, “Nobody will think to make THIS joke!”

-Dean Malenko was at WWF New York with a pair of Women. I guess they didn’t want to risk bringing Dean out and having him hear a chant of, “YOU F**KED UP!”

-Trish entered Hunter’s locker room to get ready for the match. Hunter threw her out. Usually, one waits until AFTER coitus before doing this.

The Big Show is quite ready.

-commercials. “Coyote Ugly” IS rated PG13... AND I have yet to glimpse any sort of Love Scene in the spot. Might as well wear underwear to this show, fellas.

-If you smoke, you get chokeslammed by the Big Show... who DOES smoke... hypocrite.

-Time must be fleeting, because TBS attacked Kane as he came down the ramp. Within seconds, Shane was all over Kane. Within moments, Benoit and Angle were out. Within instants, Benoit was chokeslammed. Within eternities (by SOME cosmic clock) it was a quadruple team. Within flashes, the Dudleys were out. And so it went.

-Hunter & Trish & Rocky & Lita were all ready

-commercials

-The movie came out years ago, yet Lawler STILL was excited about “The Jackal” on USA Tuesday night. Both Announcers guaranteed that they will be watching. Isn’t Tuesday night the night they tape Smackdown? LIARS!!!!!!!

-HHH came out with Trish Stratus. In the race to the ring, Trish won by a nose.

-Lita came out... because Rocky simply MUST come out alone.

-Which he did.

-The bell rang... Rocky and Hunter got things going. THIS IS THE DREAM MATCH EVERYBODY WAS BEGGING FOR!!!

-They squared off. Hunter found himself out of the ring. Enacting that long ignored, “Mixed Gender Injury Rule”, the Ref forced Trish to step in. She hesitated, then did so. Rocky tagged Lita.

-Lita went for her Spear takedown... COME ON TRISH, GIVE HER THE FRONT FACELOCK!!!!

-Instead, Trish drove her knee into Lita’s nose. OH GOD!!! THEY REALLY HATE EACH OTHER!!!!

-Lita with a suplay... she was getting her payback.

-Then HHH stepped in and clotheslined her. Trish followed up with a Bulldog, then tagged in HHH. HHH walked around cockily. Then casually went for the Pedigree. Rocky stopped that.

-HHH dragged Lita away from a tag. Trish was in. Lita clotheslined her. Both girls hit the tag.

-Rocky with the DDT and a pin... but HHH kicked out.

-Hunter with a neckbreaker. Then he stomped Rocky in the corner. Rocky punched away. HHH did that flying knee bit that USED to be his finisher.

-Rocky with the Spine Buster. he prepared for the People’s Elbow. Trish jumped on his back. Imagine the outrage if Kirk and Uhura did THAT on network TV 30 years ago! (Why did I say that?)

-Rocky took care of Trish... threw Hunter out of there, and gave Trish a Spine Buster. He tagged Lita. Lita hit a Moonsault. Lita scored the pin.

-HHH re-entered the ring and stood over Trish in dismay. Rocky snuck in with a chair and whacked him. Hunter went down on his knees, then laid down on Trish in a 69 position... damn.

-THIS... is cool, but “bitch” get edited?

-Rocky was actually LAUGHING... Ross and Lawler were rendered almost speechless.

-and they STAYED in this position. I have to tell you... this made even ME uncomfortable.

-THOSE NOSES!!! RIGHT IN EACH OTHER’S... THOSE HUGE NOSES, PEOPLE!!

-Boy... that Hunter is the LUCKIEST prick... (or maybe I should say he HAS the luckiest prick)

The show ends... neither party was moving Heaven and Earth to get away from this.

Well, we had GOOD wrestling... LONG wrestling matches... and this.

I wonder what Nitro has? My God, why don’t we go and see?

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